Obsessions and Compulsions
by Todash
Summary: Post-war story. “You were talking in your sleep. You kept saying Hawkeye’s name.” Slash, B.J./Hawkeye.


**Obsessions and Compulsions**

"B.J." A voice was pulling him out of his dreams. "B.J., wake up."

He came around slowly and opened one eye to see his wife's concerned face hovering above him. "Peg? What's the matter?"

"You were talking in your sleep. You kept saying Hawkeye's name." She paused before adding, an edge to her voice, "And I have to tell you, it's not the first time or the second time or even the 10th time you've done that since you got home."

_Jesus,_ he thought, running a hand over his face. _That's not good. Wonder why she never bothered to mention it before._ He had been home a little over three months, and that was a long time for her to sit on such a revelation. "I'm sorry, Peg. I guess it was a dream, or something."

"Yeah, or something." She was starting to sound bitter now. "I haven't heard _my_ name escape your lips while you sleep. You wanna tell me what's going on? Why are you obsessed with this guy?"

"I don't know." There was no point in denying an obsession. She wouldn't tolerate the obvious lie. "We were close. We were closer than close. I can't even describe what we had."

"Were you sleeping with him?"

"No!" He figured the power and immediacy of his response would convince her it was the truth. He left out the minor detail that he'd _wanted_ to sleep with Hawkeye. That he'd thought about it often.

"People have best friends, B.J. Even I have a best friend. But this seems to go a lot deeper than that."

"I told you, I can't explain it. We were in an insane situation and we kept each other from going over the edge."

"Well, he's not part of your life anymore," she said, getting up to begin her day. "Please try to live in the here and now, OK?"

She left the room and he leaned back, tears stinging his eyes. _He's not part of my life anymore._ The words felt like a scalpel slicing into his heart.

* * *

He had his suitcase packed before he even told Peg. He supposed that revealed something about their marriage right there.

"Peggy, I'm flying out to Maine to see Hawkeye," he said, standing there with his suitcase in hand, awaiting the inevitable argument. By holding the suitcase, he hoped to convey that any quarrel would have to be a quick one.

"Oh?" Peg said, clearly caught off guard. A panicked look flashed across her face, but she recovered quickly. She straightened her stance, gave him a firm nod, and said, "You know what, B.J., I actually think that's a good idea. Go see him, talk to him. I'm sure you both need some kind of closure."

Flustered, pleasantly surprised, B.J. opened his mouth to say something and then shut it again. She wasn't going to give him the fight he expected; he couldn't believe how calm she was. Best not to prolong the conversation, then. The word "closure" echoed in his brain for a few seconds, and he wondered if she was right, if that was what he was going in search of. He leaned down and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "I'll be back in a few days."

* * *

He hadn't called Hawkeye first because he had no idea what to say. So showing up on his best friend's doorstep without any advance warning and potentially unwanted was weird. But when Hawkeye opened the door and a huge grin broke out on his face, B.J.'s insecurities melted away. For a time, he could only stare, thinking it seemed like just yesterday they were living together and pulling pranks together and sewing up soldiers together. It couldn't have been three months, that just wasn't possible. Then Hawkeye pulled him into a bear hug and all they did was laugh for a minute or two; words didn't seem to be necessary.

When finally Hawkeye did speak, he said, "Are you alone? You got the family with you?"

"No, it's just me. And damn, it's great to see you, Hawk."

"Come in, come in," he ushered B.J. into the house. "Grab a seat while I grab you a beer. What brings you all the way out here?"

B.J. didn't know how to answer that question, so he let it slide. He studied his friend with appreciative eyes, feeling almost light-headed. Hawkeye was dressed in blue jeans and a gray T-shirt, walking around barefoot, looking as relaxed and radiant as B.J. had ever seen him. If it weren't for the gray in his hair, he would look about 10 years younger than he actually was.

"It's great to see you in something other than Army green."

Hawkeye spread his arms and smiled. "All that time we lived together and you had no idea how stunning I looked in civvies."

And just like that, Hawkeye was back in flirting mode; it was as if three minutes had passed instead of three months. He played the game well. It was one of the things that made B.J. crazy. The innuendo, the looks, the jokes, the vibe. You can have me if you want me, those looks and jokes seemed to always be implying.

_Yeah, well, let's just see about that.__  
_  
B.J. strolled around the living room, liking the bacheloresque look and feel of it (his own home had too many feminine touches, not that he blamed Peg for decorating as she wished). Eventually he followed Hawkeye into the kitchen and sat down at the table, accepting the beer that was thrust into his hand. "You look great," Hawkeye said, "how've you been?"

"Not bad. At least, that's what I thought. But in a way, that's why I'm here. According to my wife, I seem to be having some sleeping problems."

"Insomnia? Nightmares? Sleepwalking? Hey, you know what, I've had all of those. I'm pretty much an expert. You came to the right person."

B.J. decided to jump right in; caution to the wind. Why drag this out? "I've been told I'm saying your name in my sleep. And often, apparently." He couldn't read anything in Hawkeye's expression, so he continued, "My wife thinks that I have an obsession. With you. Funny thing is, I have to agree with her diagnosis."

Hawkeye blinked at him, taking a moment to digest this information, then he stood and began to pace. "Beej, where's this conversation going?"

"Toward the truth, I hope. Toward some answers."

"Answers? Tell me what the question is."

B.J.'s stomach was churning, but he plowed on. This was why he flew 3000 miles, after all. "Hawk, there was something between us in Korea that went beyond friendship and you know it. We never acted on it, we never talked about it, but there was something very strong going on. And now, instead of being able to let that go, I'm feeling it get bigger and bigger. I don't know why. It doesn't make sense. But it's too huge to ignore, and even my wife can see it. I need to know if you feel it too. If you tell me you're past this—whatever we had—then I'll leave you alone."

Hawkeye took his good ol' time crafting a reply. The kitchen clock was ticking in the silence, and B.J. was dying a little as each second passed. But when Hawk finally spoke, it was short and to the point, and his voice was very soft, "Those feelings haven't gone away for me, either."

Relief flooded B.J.'s entire body. Right on the heels of that, he realized that relief was an odd reaction, considering this meant that life as he knew it was about to change. Dramatically. He said, "I'm tired of pretending to be this person that I'm not. My body may be living in Mill Valley with my wife and daughter, but my mind has been with you since the day we said goodbye."

"Actually, the rocks said goodbye; you didn't," Hawkeye pointed out with a hint of a smile on his face. Then he shook his head a little as his expression turned serious. "Beej, I hope you know what you're doing. There's so much at stake for you."

"Believe me," he said, standing up and going to Hawkeye, "I know what I'm doing." He put his arms around the other man and leaned in to give him a kiss on the neck, but Hawkeye turned and brought their mouths together instead. Electricity jolted between them. B.J. had always suspected that their chemistry—so potent, so palpable—would make any sexual contact between them blistering hot, and he was right about that. They moaned simultaneously. The kiss ended, but a fraction of a second later Hawkeye's mouth was back for more, demanding and delicious. Tongues touched and then tangoed. B.J. felt himself being pushed up against the wall and he was thankful for the support. He was afraid his legs were about to give out.

"Did I show you the bedroom yet?" Hawkeye managed to say despite barely taking his mouth off B.J.'s.

"Dying to see it," he mumbled back, and he allowed himself to be led there.

* * *

Waking up in Hawkeye's arms just seemed right to him. His face was buried in black-gray hair and it tickled his nose. He smiled. He'd never felt so sane or so satisfied in his entire life, he reckoned. He shifted then, and the movement caused Hawkeye to stir, his arms pulling B.J. closer. "Who is this handsome man in my arms?" Hawk said into his neck.

"Your lover for the rest of your life, if you'll have me."

"Mmmm," Hawkeye murmured, nuzzling Beej's neck, one hand roaming down past his stomach. "I will absolutely have you."

B.J. realized they'd have to have this conversation, or a more coherent version of it, when they weren't rubbing up against one another, becoming aroused. But for now, it would do. A smile came to him as he thought, _Well, so much for closure._


End file.
